I don't talk about this much...maybe not at all before. I can't remember.
But here it is.
I have depression. Situational depression. I was first diagnosed in 2004(?). I worked very hard combining spirit, soul and body. In 2008 I stopped taking meds. In 2008 two close, dear friends of mine died. I made it through. Then the end of 2010 happened.
I hated admitting that my depression had returned but I knew it was time when I stood in the kitchen for five minutes and couldn't remember if I had eaten breakfast or not. I've been on meds since. Life has been full of hard and difficult situations.
Being on meds doesn't make me happy and my problems don't go away. Meds just help me live and continue to see a counselor to help me learn to think different and change behaviors.
These past four or five days I've felt the darkness creaping around my back door. Each day it became more and more difficult to see the glass half full...which I have learned to do. The extreme black and white thinking grew. The smallest thing has become largely negative. Mostly the whispered voices tell me "failure ". Not that I hear "voices" just using an euphemism.
The past two days I've dropped into the darkest part. I couldn't fight it anymore and chose to just not feel. My counselort is on a long holiday but I was able to text. And we've had a few short moments. I was asked to take a walk, go back to a learned coping skill of doing five things, and to look for God. That I would find him there. (Sometimes you have to borrow the faith of another). And I was to report back.
My thought was only, "even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you are with me." There are moments when bible verses are no longer something memorized at bible camp. They become real.
Right now the shadow of the valley of death is my mind. And he is with me.
I expect I will be in this valley for a few more days. I won't be trying to figure out how I got here or what broke this time. I'm just going to keep walking, remembering that he is with me.
Not sure when I'll blog again ... But I will be back.
While we don't talk on a regular basis anymore and things may have changed in some ways for us, one thing has not... What has not changed is the deep and very real love I have for you as my little 'sister', and someone that I feel in a very real basis, inside my soul, when things just aren't right. I know One thing for sure; His love is very real ..."love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres...love never fails.' ...while this verse is usually read along with the remaining verses at weddings, etc., I also believe and am moved in that belief this morning, that it is also very much what His love is -- never failing, always protecting, always persevering -- .. The demons and their leader would like nothing more than to wipe that out and you along with it. I'm grateful for your counselor and her advice. Hannah will be one very blessed granddaughter to have someone with such a huge capacity to love to shine a light before her. Know you are loved and cherished.. Muchly
ReplyDeletePoignant - "There are moments when bible verses are no longer something memorized at bible camp. They become real." AMEN
ReplyDeletePlease keep walking through the shadows. There is light. You have light. You are loved and carried from afar.
~Grace