oh...that.

"What the mind has forgotten, the body remembers long after."  Lilias Folan

my counselor (and i) subscribe to the quote above. i recently told you that i had forgotten the day of my wedding anniversary. on many levels i believe this to be a move in the direction i want to go. however, these past few days i have increasingly felt blue. i could feel depression hovering. calling my name to curl up under the covers and let time go by.  

this morning i woke to body pain and an upset stomach - like, throw up stomach. 

pause. process this. realized yesterday that in FB memories i was reminded that the anniversary was the 17th. but, my physical reactions started before yesterday evening. i've been down this road enough times that this 'body memory' theory is true. 

in my early single years i would specifically plan events on and around the 17th to make new memories - positive, uplifting - celebrating my successes when i could not imagine making it through. 

i don't think that the impetus of my physical reactions is due to not planning a special event. however, i have been processing a lot of change. some of the change has come with realizing i held expectations. (yeah, sometimes i just don't know that i have them until they are not met). some of the change has come with some small disappointments. and now the excitement of the new adventure has waned. i'm in the middle land. i've emptied my hand of the past and am stretching to the future without yet grabbing hold of what is ahead. 

my days are filled with living in a disrupted environment. exhaustion. adapting to my new environment. including - the weather, the horrible drivers but usually really nice people once you get them off the road, finding my new grocery store, etc., and often waking to the physical pain of yesterday's work of putting my life in order. 

i know this will pass. i know in a few weeks or maybe a few months i will have found patterns, my living space will reflect my inner girly girl and i will be working again. i will have ventured out to see new places. 

but ignoring the truth of my physical response to all of the above is not the answer. i now know that that action only stuffs another layer in to be dealt with later. i'm not giving up. i'm not throwing in the towel. i will, however, take care of myself. listen to my body. be kind to myself. 

i am blessed to have learned how i was created by my Creator. i am blessed that without knowing this specific moment there was a plan in place that today i don't have to worry about everything being completed in my home - or finding a job. 

drop by and say, "hi" - a kind word is always welcomed.

blog you later