yes, but no

i text annie the other day.

"was it easier because you chose?"  she knew exactly what i meant. and then last night she changed her answer. Every Story Has Three Sides

very brave of her, indeed, to put it all out there like that. but, i sort of want to take issue with her response.

the day richard left i was blind sided. i told him the youngest and i were off to church and i'd see him later. i came home to a note on the bed and his bags packed. gone. i fell to the floor and bawled until i couldn't breath. then i had to decide how to tell the young one still living at home.

for 25 years this man had told me he would never leave me or divorce me. in the six months leading up to his exit things were dark. he wasn't talking. he wouldn't make any attempts to open up. in the last real communication we had he told me that there wasn't another woman and that he could never divorce me.

we taught marriage classes for five years. he was adamant that divorce was a sin. we had our moments like other couples. the hard fights. the sleeping on the couch. the freeze out. all through 25 years. but something always stuck. we'd regroup and continue on.

so those six months were hard. but we had done hard before. and there was this glue. the promise that divorce is not an option. i gave him his distance, hit my knees and begged God to make everything alright.

later i would learn about the adultery. at least a year's worth. the iconic beacon of righteousness broke. but in the mean time i held on to hope. for six months of separation i held on to hope.

throughout these years since september 2010 he made almost all the choices and i had to live with the tidal waves. there's such a loss of self when someone else makes the choices.

i can't take anything back from these 27 years. that's what forgiveness means. letting go of the idea that you can change something that happened in the past. but some days i still catch myself day dreaming about what i would do different now rather than then. and one thing i would do different is choose.

dance on my friend.