breath

for two years i haven't breathed much. panic attacks don't help. chicken or the egg? i can't breath because i'm having a panic attack...or am i having a panic attack because i'm not breathing? it's a lovely conundrum when you're smack dab in the middle of one.

as i listen to others tell their stories about panic attacks it all seems to stem from the lack of control. it's as if you've lost so much control over almost everything that in a moment there is the straw that breaks the camel's back. you just can't let go of one more thing.

learning to breath. i have this new boyfriend. his name is laredo. a bay gelding. for now laredo and i will have a saturday date for the next few months.

i've been looking for awhile for a horse to lease. i was even looking when my marriage was falling apart. it never came together. and then a co worker gave me an email of a woman who has too many horses to properly take care of. it took me awhile to walk out of myself and email this women. who, coincidentally, said to herself three days prior, "what am i going to do with this horse?" yeah.

so. all i wanted was one day where i could feed my soul and not have to "be". just ride. get on and ride.

ha.

you see loredo has been trained in the "natural" horsemanship.

the first person i ever studied was monty roberts - "the horsewhisper" it's amazing what that man can do with a horse. but i never saw natural horsemanship under the saddle. i thought it was just for breaking.

i am learning to breath. if i don't then he's all fussy. and...i have to ride differently. see - traditional horsemanship puts man as the boss and the horse as the servant. maybe some relationship but it's all based on i'm the boss you do what i say.

hm. wonder where i've lived that before?

natural horsemanship is energy, balance, relationship - learning the other being's ways, give and take. together we accomplish.

wonder where i want that?

yeah. the relationship i want with a mate.

isn't it weird how God just plans that out?

dance on people.