my counselor kept telling me about the blue house on the corner ... the one that was down the road and around the corner. she would describe this house and ask me to trust her. that it was there. and one day i would see it.
there have been so many blue houses down the road and around the corner that i pretty much don't hesitate to believe her when she talks about the next house. her divine connection - my divine connection has proven to be true and faithful.
the month is half over and like i said it's just been one great terribly awesome ride. i miss paul. there are faint twinges of richard's choices. almost like phantom limbs. i can't quite forget it and it aches once in awhile but this is my life now.
i've officially lived on my own for one year now. started doing things on my own. bike rides. venturing out into my town getting to know it's hidden secrets. although i still don't have my "cheers" bar location i do have my favorite breakfast place...things like that.
there isn't one thing in my living space that is painful. every inch breathes me and as nate says 'rises up to great me' . every day. i'm getting back to my creativity. testing it in new ways.
i didn't know how today would unfold. but i took a baby step and reached out to close friends and family asking them to think about me today. drop me a line, a phone call or anything just to say "hey. thinking of you."
these people are amazing. my tribe. notes, emails, phone calls. reminders. belief in me.
two years ago this month i started smoking. i kept the secret pretty well. for awhile. brooke doesn't read my blog - she doesn't know...mom...dad.. hi!!! ....but pretty much everyone else knew eventually.
two years. at the beginning of this year i realized that this was no longer "just a phase" that it had come to set up camp. and it did. not only that but it played the friend. it hid things from me. it covered my fears. my loneliness. my sadness. my anxieties. it was my party friend.
it's been 18 days smoke free. the physical addiction is gone but the emotional addiction still taps me on the shoulder. again. parts of my tribe believed in me. listens to me.
january 2011 through summer 2011 i made some wrong choices. a wrong choice. no details will be shared. but my self esteem was so low that when i weighed the scales i only cared about how i felt. did not care if it was wrong. did not care who it might hurt...which, by the way, it ended that i was the one who was hurt.
it was a long road to dig myself out of that. and this month, confirming my belief that you always get the same test from the universe until you learn your lesson - or for me - learn who i really want to be -- the same identically test came back. i begged and pleaded with God to not let me go. there. again.
about 2 or 3 weeks ago i had this dream. i was in the armed services. uniform and all. i had made a mistake and my correctional punishment was to stand at attention. for hours. flowing into days. and tho exhausted and occasionally stumbling and forgetting what i was called to do -- i did it. i stood there.
the divine was telling me 'you can do this. you have the strength.'
between my new found strength and the divine's belief in me i passed the test.
i still do not like the month of september but now it's beginning to be my victory ground instead of my undoing.
thank you tribe. you have loved the best way you have known and i will not forget.
If you could soldier on, headstrong into the storm
I'll be here waiting on the other side don't
Look back the road is long, the first days of the war are gone
Take back your former throne and turn the tide
'Cause if you never leave home, never let go
You'll never make it to the great unknown
Till you keep your eyes... open my love
So tell me you're strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me
To keep your eyes... open my love
Just past the circumstance, the first light a second chance
No child could ever dance the way you do oh
Tear down the prison walls, don't stop the curtain calls
Your chains will never fall until you do
'Cause if you never leave home, never let go
You'll never make it to the great unknown
Till you keep your eyes... open my love
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyric/n/needtobreathe/keep_your_eyes_open.html ]
So show me your fire, show me your heart
You know I'll never let you fall apart
If you keep your eyes... open my love
Ohhh open up
Ohhh open up
Ohhh open up your eyes, the weight is unbroken
Ohhh open up
Ohhh open up
Ohhh open up your eyes (keep your eyes open)
Don't let the night become the day
Don't take the darkness to the grave
I know pain is just a place
The will has been broken
Don't let the fear become the hate
Don't take the sadness to the grave
I know the fight is on the way
When the sides have been chosen
'Cause if you never leave home, never let go
You'll never make it to the great unknown
Open up your eyes, keep your eyes open
So show me your fire, show me your heart
You know I'll never let you fall apart
If you keep your eyes... open my love
Keep your eyes... (keep your eyes open)
dance on people
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