oh joy

y'all. i don't even have enough...no, wait, you don't have enough time to listen to me and my insane life.

myyylanta.

really.

apparently i can't find the words.

so. who knows me, here, eh?

do you already know that i'm a recovering co-dependent? (hi mom! hi dad!) here's a laugh for you. online dating. some guy thought that meant i was recovering from cocaine addiction. uh hunh. seriously? who doesn't know what being "codependent" means these days. google is your friend.

anyway. two years ago i was so freakishly codependent i didn't know what to do when richard walked out of the house. how do i live? breath? eat? i did them for someone else. for years.

oh, and most codependents breed codependents. it's just how it goes. it's all we know. it's what protects us. or so we think. for years.

the point. do you know who's grown up? and also, who i'm not married to anymore? yeah. well this last chapter of our lives reallllyyy pushed me back into some very old coping mechanisms.

i just can't explain it all.

what i will say is that i've been in some serious heart pain. and trying to recover. doing some hunkering down. got my melodie beattie 'the new codependency: help and guidance for today's generation' back out. reading parts. again. hello! did i really hi-light that much of the text the first few times through? gah.

the only saving grace is that both melodie and my counselor (because oh hell yes i had to call her during this!)  say not to be discouraged. i HAVE actually grown and changed and this is just a reminder. of the old ways. oh, and revisited grief.

yippee skipee.

dance on people