7.22.2015

i spent yesterday lunch time sorting, sorting and sorting. and some naming.  yes, i'm weary of being an onion. i do not believe i am going over the same issue again and again. it just happens that the same people played their part - people i have spent the majority of my life with.

the three pieces: hot mess on the way to the sleep study, a dream about the ex playing tennis, and becoming very angry at my ex on my way home from the sleep study.

talking out loud, tears, runny nose and all...

when i was in a relationship i believed there were 'team' things. for the overall good of the relationship and/or family i would do something for the team that may not be to my particular liking. but it was for the team.

one major thing i continually did was deal with illnesses, emergency room visits, hospital stays, etc. i had surgeries where i was by myself. i dealt with the majority of my second labor by myself. i traveled to different countries to be with my ex for his heart - and i would do my part to make sure our children were cared for while we were gone.

i think i missed one hospital visit. when he was sent to D.C. while we were stationed in England. and he was a mean hospital person. he was so miserable just being in the hospital that although he would not say anything to the nurses or doctors, i would get the brunt of his miserable state. it was bad enough that one of our friends got wind of it, who was a nurse, and told him to shape up or they were going to come sit with him and it would be no picnic.

i did all of these things because i loved my husband, my family and i was willing to take one for the team.

but now it's my turn. i have hospital visits, procedures and let's not forget the fire of 2015. (i think i may call it that from now on). i had support. i had people that did care. but i did not and do not have a loving spouse to hold my hand, tell me everything will be okay, sleeping on a chair or couch. no. none.

and that was the perfect storm.

sometimes i think i will never be whole and my scales will never be balanced. in those time i have to chose that these words are mine and they are true:

The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell[a] in the house of the Lord
Forever.