yesterday i posted hyperbole's message on her struggle with/through depression.
i have dealt with my bouts of depression. i also think there might be some genetic predisposition for mental illness as there are other family members who have experienced it or lived in some level of mental challenges.
when richard left life threw me headlong into an emotional roller coaster i was completely unprepared for. i knew i needed help when i stood in the kitchen for 10 minutes because i couldn't remember whether or not i had breakfast.
medication doesn't make everything happy happy yeah yeah yeah. it is only meant to bring me to a place where i can 'deal' emotionally. like hyperbole i remember not wanting to live anymore. and i didn't tell anyone except my counselor. as preposterous as it sounds now i actually tried to just stop breathing. willing myself not to take another breath. funny thing tho, the body is sorta fond of air and overrides the brain.
during my counseling i learned that i really didn't want to die i just desperately wanted to not feel whatever i was feeling. even if the feeling was numb or flat i didn't want to feel that way. she warned me that i would have to battle this thought or eventually i would loose the ability to tell the difference.
during that first year it was so hard. i remember God telling me directly that i could choose not to feel the pain anymore but that would close off all feelings. i didn't want to not feel joy again. or love again.
it took months of battling. probably around 6 to 8 months after this ride started i remember driving down the freeway in my mustang and i realized for that moment i was happy. the feeling didn't last long but this helped me believe. that not every day, every hour, every minute would be hard. it also set up the reality that nothing stays forever. all the emotions come and go. of course i grab greedily at happy or joy but i know now that this, too, will not last. and when utter sadness comes upon me i know...this too will end.
those days seem far away now. i'm not always happy with my current situation (i still have utterly sad moments) but the second that dark thought of not living attempts to scratch it's way through my brain i can kick it's ass to the curb knowing i want to live. it just might hurt for awhile.
dance on people
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