8.8

i went away last weekend. to visit grace. as always, she and her husband are kind and supportive to me. it was a simple weekend. we talked, ate, and even went to look at cars. we started at an auto show but because of the rain or maybe because it was early in the day, there were not many cars. we happen to stumble across the monthly meeting of mustangs. be still my beating heart.

it's hard right now to dream of a financial future when i don't have a job. hunting for a job takes up so much of my time and energy. as in the dating scene, job hunting has really changed. one, you apply and you don't ever hear back. i currently have my resume with four recruiters. the only time i hear from them is when they call to see if i'm still available and may they send my resume out to so and so. they don't call me back on the results. (i had great success with a recruiter on my last job search. i can't afford to pay one - so these recruiters are paid by the company). my resume is posted on all the big websites. my linkedin page is up to date. i get as much as 40 emails a day alerting me of possible job matches. i read them all and apply to the ones i believe i am qualified for. i've spoken to an HR person who helped me make my resume more reader friendly for companies that have never heard of a compliance analyst. 

every day i ask God - is there something else i can do? is there something that i'm missing? 

i know that moving here was the right choice. i can remember all the answers to prayers and the large road signs that all pointed this direction. but i struggle because right now there are no large road signs. and if i had experienced this gawd awful hellish heat i would have reconsidered moving here.

every day i have so many mental obstacles i have to jump that touch every aspect of my life. staying positive and making the best choice is the theme - and some days it's more difficult than others. today, is hard. all of my quick, feel good go to but not productive or healthy choices are currently running across my brain like the ticker tape sign at the nasdaq. and not quietly, either.

i guess this post is to say - i know. i know you're worried about me. i know you want to help. you may even think you know i should be doing something that i'm not currently doing. but i know my spiritual journey is not like others. there will be a day when all of this will be behind me and placing my trust and faith in God will show itself as being true. but today, i know, it looks really messy. and scary. 

i know. 

when i get those quick emails or texts that say you're praying for me? it helps. when you listen to me without trying to fix it? it helps. when you share your struggles? it helps.

thank you for letting me be vulnerable, not perfect, and very messy during my journey.