where is the light?

dear,

i don't know where you went.

the person i met wanted so much out of life. and pretty much the opposite of everything they had experienced growing up. these last years i have seen you walk away from (or take off the lying mask off?) married forever to one person. have a loving family. being involved with the grown kids. seeing a legacy. bouncing grand babies. working towards retirement. there's not much left of that.

it's like watching a horrible train wreck where people you love are involved. only your sealed in a room and you can't tell them. can't wave them down, call them, tell them to get off the tracks. pounding on the glass until exhaustion and tears take you down, too. huddle on the floor. trying, trying not to watch.

and the funny thing? everyone thinks they are happy. one holds desperately to hopes and dreams that one day they will wake up, something will happen, and the love they've always wanted will finally arrive.

another is building. building a wall of 'i don't care, i don't need, there's only ever been pain over there' so i'm going over here...to build my own world. a world where i can live and maybe we can yell over the wall, but it will be yells of 'yep, i see you! stay over there!'

both repeating the same pattern. it's like genetic dna. my dna. your dna.

i think, you think, you are happy, too. the wall you built to keep your parent out? maybe a few stones came down over the years...but for you, or on your own, it became too hard. the siren call of the wall whispered her lair of spidery safety. the wall reinforced -- new bricks built out of your blood, sweat and others' tears.

me. . there are days where my mind and body emit a sonar wave of memories. reminding me mostly of the good, love and moments where there was love and not alone. some days i remind myself that i am alive. and healthy, even in my alone-ness. there are moments where i have known, felt and breathed that i am incredibly, over the top, just as i am, loved. that a dream has come true. i have been and will be forever deeply loved.

accepting my destiny i cannot turn back. i can't un-see the seen. un-feel the felt. this. to see the goodness i must also see the pain and suffering. i desire so desperately to hold on to lovely. but here - i see, dream, think, feel through a glass darkly.

this world is not my home.

may your walls be forever broken. may you see the truth and not your truth. may your closed eyes be opened. that worldly pleasures would fail and may you find peace only with the one who is peace. may you, before the dust of this world calls you home, mend some broken rails and help the wounded off the track.